Pride and Prejudice

This morning I read about a Kurdish Brit being sentenced to life imprisonment for killing his 16 year-old daughter in the Star. Apparently she wanted to elope with her Lebanese Christian boy friend. Closer to home, the afternoon tabloid, the Malay Mail, carried a story of how the parents of a Segamat Chinese girl acted to break her relationship with her Chinese Muslim boyfriend. Only this time, instead of the knife, they resorted to divine help in the form of a temple medium.

We have heard of such cases before – troubled inter-faith or inter-race relations – and some with similar tragic endings (suicides and all). Is there no tolerance and understanding at all in this world?

The truth is some people just refuse to see the good there is in the Other. They let their Pride and Prejudice (to borrow the title of a Jane Austen classic) to cloud their thinking. Was it not pride, when the Kurd father testified at the Old Bailey that is was an “honor killing”? Was it not prejudice when the parents of the Segamat girl wished to cleanse her of the purported charm of her Muslim boyfriend?

Of course, there will be those whose pride and prejudice are not so deep rooted in their psychic. And their objection is mainly based on fear. Fear of what their relationship with their children would be like after they embraced another religion. Fear that they would have to make adjustments to their life style to accommodate things. And so many other related fears. I can appreciate their trepidations. All I can say to them its not that bad.

I have traveled the road before. In fact I wrote an article for a magazine last year (which never saw print because of funding problems) on the same matter. For what it is worth, here is the article –

A father’s Experience

Religion and culture – are they reconcilable? This was foremost on my mind when my daughter May married a Muslim and embraced Islam. Two grandchildren later, and with a second daughter (Jade) doing the same, I now believe that it is possible. Except for a few adjustments (gastronomy-wise mainly) to accommodate their new religious beliefs, my wife and I did not have to make any major change to our day-to-day living. Our blend of “Chinese and Western ways”, so to speak, could exist harmoniously with our daughters’ religious obligations.

I think what made it easy for me (and also my wife and son) to accept May and Jade’s conversion was the realization that they were only changing their Faith and nothing more. They remain culturally Chinese and most importantly our “flesh and blood”. Of course, with a change in religion, there were things they were obliged to do and things they were prohibited from doing. But then, these practices were more of a private nature and did not impinge on family relationships or ethnic descent.

The other good thing was that both daughters felt the same way and was therefore able to draw a clear line between their religious and cultural obligations. They stopped doing things that might conflict with Islamic teachings while continuing with the ones that were purely cultural with no religious or spiritual connotation. In turn, I had to be sensitive to their religious needs and accept the situation where they may have to decline to perform certain acts and things.

What about the extended family - meaning siblings, aunties and uncles? If there were any misgivings among them, they did not show it. Instead it was gratifying to see some of them present at the mosque for the Akad Nikah, the women folk complete with scarf and all. And a spontaneous reaction from our in-laws was their willingness to partake in the traditional “Tea Ceremony”, this time complete with “ang pows” or red packages, even though it was a Chinese cultural practice. Again the ability to distinguish between religion and cultural practices by all parties rule the situation.

So, against this background, the Bangsar Cheongs resume their family life. I continue to be “Dad” and my better half “Mom”. May remain “Tai Che” and Jade “Ee Che”, big sister and second sister respectively. To my Muslim grandchildren I am Kong Kong and my wife Po Po. They also call their aunty and uncle, Ee Ee (2nd Auntie) and Kau Fu Chye (Youngest Uncle) following the Chinese way of addressing relatives by seniority. A casual visitor to the house would be hard pressed to guess our respective Faiths going by the salutations. But then again, they would be equally perplexed when Sara and Adam “Salam” us instead of shaking our hands in greeting, and follow this with a “big hug”, Barney-style.

Come Christmas and Chinese New Year, the whole family will gather at home or occasionally take a trip somewhere to celebrate. Christmas, did I write that? Yes, to the family it is just a day of loving and giving, nothing more and nothing less. It’s the same approach we adopt for all the other celebrations (be it a Chinese festival or a “kenduri” we are invited to by our in-laws) – we see them as just occasions for renewing and enhancing family ties, avoiding all reference to their origins, religious or otherwise. When I think of it, continuing to celebrate the Chinese festivals, when half of my family is of the Islamic Faith, were the least of what problems I had to face following my daughters’ conversion.

If ever there was a problem with celebrations, it had to do with food. In our case, besides the quality and quantity, there was the need for the food to be “Halal” too. But the missus was up to it.
With her creativity and practicality, she managed to serve the dishes we were used to, albeit with substitute ingredients. So now its chicken “Pongtey” (Chinese stew) instead of pork stew or “Kai Chang” (dumplings) instead of “Bak Chang”, to name a few. One thing though, the sons-in-law have yet to appreciate the Cantonese-style soups mom insist on serving at every meal. Strangely, the grandchildren have taken to drinking them. As for eating out, it is a breeze, what with the proliferation of halal restaurants and other eateries in the Capital.

The above paragraphs serve to illustrate the minimal impact on my life of having two daughters embracing Islam. But I cannot say it would be the same for others in the same situation. It depends very much on one’s attitude to race and religion and philosophy of life. You have to be a “liberal” in these things and adopt the philosophy that “within the four corners of the world, all man are brothers”.